Pathetic

Somehow, I don't think I'm going to grad school.

I seem to have not bothered to take the GRE, and every time I look at some school's requirements for their CS doctorate program, I don't even come close. I took the bare minimum of CS courses for my school since I'm a double major, and probably the wrong ones on top of that. I suck.

I don't want to take the GRE. I always feel horrible in environments like that. When I don't feel trusted, I go all to pieces. Also, they put a little star by your score if you have any disability accommodations. I don't want the schools I'm applying to to know I'm disabled, because I'm pretty damn sure it'll make me less likely to be admitted. A lot of CS people are biased like that, at least in my experience. I fought with my advisor over a year and a half before he believed I was anything but lazy and stupid, and that was in person. It'd look much worse on paper. If I take the test without the accommodations, I'll do worse, and then I won't get into grad school anyway. Plus, I really don't want the GRE people to get any of my money, because I don't think it's right that they've put me in this situation in the first place. Plus, I hate rigid, trustless environments in the first place. I think they're extremely unhealthy.

I don't know what to do. The more I look at grad schools, the more I realize how hopelessly underqualified I am. The classes I've taken I've done pretty well in, but there are whole areas I didn't even take a class in. I hate forms. I hate rules. I hate applications. I hate standardization. Grr.

I don't know what to do.