Long, whiny, and probably not of interest
Sep. 17th, 2005 10:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
algehI suppose I should explain why I've been so upset lately, what my previous whiny as all hell entry was about, and why I've pretty much dropped off the face of the internet lately, which is only somewhat related to the other things. I will, however, do this behind a cut so that those of you who mostly read in case I ever start posting short and funny things again can skip it.
First off, I've been crazy busy lately. Objectively, I know I've been busier before, because a year and a half ago I was working overtime on a daily basis as a temp at Wells Fargo, and I haven't even been putting in 8 hours days at the school. However, working with middle school kids takes a lot more energy than working with mortgage documents, and plus it keeps stirring up memories of my time in school. Now, no one reading this (that I know of) but The Qous even knew me in middle school, and he only vaguely knew me in 8th grade and not at all before, so y'all may not be aware of quite how fantastically badly middle school went for me. I'm not going to get into details here, but I went to a different school for each of the three years and was a behavior problem at each one. Also, in 8th grade I had no friends and my parents got divorced. Those were not the best three years of my life by any means. So bringing up those memories and trying to process how I feel about middle school as an institution in general rather than an instrument of torture directed at me specifically is chewing up a lot of my brain power. So, when I get home from school, I tend to just stare at the wall for a while, and then make some popcorn and read a book or play FFIV.
I got pretty sick on Wednesday, too. I'm finally starting to feel better, and I hope to feel all of the way "well" by Monday. Of course, neither the health center nor the counseling center at the university is open, because the university is not in session. The fact that I am in a required class that is meeting right now does not, apparently, count as in session. I'm just glad this didn't end up being strep throat, like I thought it was at first.
So anyway, a few weeks ago I was really looking forward to Kumoricon. It'd be a break from all of my stress in Eugene, a chance to see my friends and hang out with people, and basically a weekend-long party. There would also probably be some anime involved. I hadn't heard much about any specific plans, but my friends aren't really specific-plans kind of people, so I wasn't worried. I just assumed that if you get that many fun people together in one place, they'd probably find something fun to do. As it turns out, I was right about that last part. I was just wrong about the part where I thought I would be included, and possibly about the part where I thought they were my friends.
Less than a week before the convention, I hear rumblings of a pre-con party at the house of someone that I have hung out with many times. As far as I know, I've always been welcome in her home before, so I make an offhand comment asking if I can come, assuming that I hadn't been invited because no one was sure if I was coming up Friday or Saturday. Turns out that I am specifically not invited. My guess is that she made a conscious choice early in the party-planning process to exclude me, and was simply hoping I would somehow not notice that everyone I knew who was going to the convention was staying at her house that weekend. If I had known this in time, I would not have pre-registered for the convention, as there is no point in going to a convention if I'm going to spend the entire weekend feeling like the weird kid that nobody likes. If I had known too late to not register but with at least a few weeks notice, I might have been able to make alternate plans with at least some people, perhaps going out to dinner with everybody one night or something. As it was, I had about two days notice, I had to be at school both of those days, and I was too goddamn exhausted and disappointed to really process any of this. Plus, I'd been building up this convention in my mind for about a month, and really, really looking forward to being with people that I thought more-or-less accepted me for who I am after spending a week in the school trying very hard to conform and be easy to get along with.
I was just devastated. I felt like everyone I knew was making fun of me behind my back, and that I didn't really have any friends anymore. I always get whiny and dramatic when I'm really tired, and this just put me right over the edge into downright unreasonable. It reminded me of the time in middle school when the girls told me that there'd be a party at a certain park, just because they thought it'd be funny to make the kids they didn't like wander all over a big park looking for a party. That was the only "party" I was invited to that year.
Anyway, I haul myself up to Portland that weekend anyway. I wasn't going to go at all, but then I remembered that I'd left my laundry and a bunch of other crap at my dad's house the weekend before on the theory I'd be back in a week, and I needed to at least go up and get that stuff. I also needed to drop some stuff off at my mother's house. Plus, I hoped that people would at least hang out with me at the convention itself, and maybe invite me out to dinner.
I only went to the convention on Saturday. I hung out with Gia and Scott for a little bit, but once the party person came, the group flowed around her and I left. No one talked to me for the rest of the day. I looked for people a few times, but they were all sitting in a big group with her, so I didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I don't think anyone ever came looking for me. I finally caught Sean without her after the AMV contest to say goodbye to him.
Then I went home and cried the rest of the evening.
Thinking about it, this isn't he first time that person has excluded me from things. I'd written the other times off as accidents, because I assumed that since we are all no longer teenagers, we will tell someone to their face that we're not interested in doing something with them rather than just "forgetting" to include them each time and letting them continue to believe that they'd have been welcome if they'd only asked in time.
Screw it. I'm just not good at this "people" thing.
Also, I'm finally going to really give up on Sean. It's hard because I still love him (I probably always will) but I just can't take this anymore. He never initiates spending time with me, he didn't make any effort at all to see me when he knew that we were not only in the same city but the same building, and it's time to take the goddamn hint that he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. I'm going to miss him.
I'm also going to miss having a group of friends to do things with in Portland, but since the person who doesn't want me around anymore is at the center of that social group, I guess I'll have to give that up too.
I suppose it's time to stop trying to live with one foot still in Portland. I'll keep in touch with the people who I'm actually, individually, friends with, but I'm not going to pretend I'm part of a group up there anymore.
I'm lonely, but I've been lonely before and I lived through it then. Plus, now I'm not 13, and I have my own car. I'll just have to build a group down here. They'll probably only be year-friends, and I'll have to find a new group somewhere else again next year when I get a job, but I should at least be able to find people to go to the movies with. Maybe I'll take up a sport. I'd kind of like to play tennis again.
First off, I've been crazy busy lately. Objectively, I know I've been busier before, because a year and a half ago I was working overtime on a daily basis as a temp at Wells Fargo, and I haven't even been putting in 8 hours days at the school. However, working with middle school kids takes a lot more energy than working with mortgage documents, and plus it keeps stirring up memories of my time in school. Now, no one reading this (that I know of) but The Qous even knew me in middle school, and he only vaguely knew me in 8th grade and not at all before, so y'all may not be aware of quite how fantastically badly middle school went for me. I'm not going to get into details here, but I went to a different school for each of the three years and was a behavior problem at each one. Also, in 8th grade I had no friends and my parents got divorced. Those were not the best three years of my life by any means. So bringing up those memories and trying to process how I feel about middle school as an institution in general rather than an instrument of torture directed at me specifically is chewing up a lot of my brain power. So, when I get home from school, I tend to just stare at the wall for a while, and then make some popcorn and read a book or play FFIV.
I got pretty sick on Wednesday, too. I'm finally starting to feel better, and I hope to feel all of the way "well" by Monday. Of course, neither the health center nor the counseling center at the university is open, because the university is not in session. The fact that I am in a required class that is meeting right now does not, apparently, count as in session. I'm just glad this didn't end up being strep throat, like I thought it was at first.
So anyway, a few weeks ago I was really looking forward to Kumoricon. It'd be a break from all of my stress in Eugene, a chance to see my friends and hang out with people, and basically a weekend-long party. There would also probably be some anime involved. I hadn't heard much about any specific plans, but my friends aren't really specific-plans kind of people, so I wasn't worried. I just assumed that if you get that many fun people together in one place, they'd probably find something fun to do. As it turns out, I was right about that last part. I was just wrong about the part where I thought I would be included, and possibly about the part where I thought they were my friends.
Less than a week before the convention, I hear rumblings of a pre-con party at the house of someone that I have hung out with many times. As far as I know, I've always been welcome in her home before, so I make an offhand comment asking if I can come, assuming that I hadn't been invited because no one was sure if I was coming up Friday or Saturday. Turns out that I am specifically not invited. My guess is that she made a conscious choice early in the party-planning process to exclude me, and was simply hoping I would somehow not notice that everyone I knew who was going to the convention was staying at her house that weekend. If I had known this in time, I would not have pre-registered for the convention, as there is no point in going to a convention if I'm going to spend the entire weekend feeling like the weird kid that nobody likes. If I had known too late to not register but with at least a few weeks notice, I might have been able to make alternate plans with at least some people, perhaps going out to dinner with everybody one night or something. As it was, I had about two days notice, I had to be at school both of those days, and I was too goddamn exhausted and disappointed to really process any of this. Plus, I'd been building up this convention in my mind for about a month, and really, really looking forward to being with people that I thought more-or-less accepted me for who I am after spending a week in the school trying very hard to conform and be easy to get along with.
I was just devastated. I felt like everyone I knew was making fun of me behind my back, and that I didn't really have any friends anymore. I always get whiny and dramatic when I'm really tired, and this just put me right over the edge into downright unreasonable. It reminded me of the time in middle school when the girls told me that there'd be a party at a certain park, just because they thought it'd be funny to make the kids they didn't like wander all over a big park looking for a party. That was the only "party" I was invited to that year.
Anyway, I haul myself up to Portland that weekend anyway. I wasn't going to go at all, but then I remembered that I'd left my laundry and a bunch of other crap at my dad's house the weekend before on the theory I'd be back in a week, and I needed to at least go up and get that stuff. I also needed to drop some stuff off at my mother's house. Plus, I hoped that people would at least hang out with me at the convention itself, and maybe invite me out to dinner.
I only went to the convention on Saturday. I hung out with Gia and Scott for a little bit, but once the party person came, the group flowed around her and I left. No one talked to me for the rest of the day. I looked for people a few times, but they were all sitting in a big group with her, so I didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I don't think anyone ever came looking for me. I finally caught Sean without her after the AMV contest to say goodbye to him.
Then I went home and cried the rest of the evening.
Thinking about it, this isn't he first time that person has excluded me from things. I'd written the other times off as accidents, because I assumed that since we are all no longer teenagers, we will tell someone to their face that we're not interested in doing something with them rather than just "forgetting" to include them each time and letting them continue to believe that they'd have been welcome if they'd only asked in time.
Screw it. I'm just not good at this "people" thing.
Also, I'm finally going to really give up on Sean. It's hard because I still love him (I probably always will) but I just can't take this anymore. He never initiates spending time with me, he didn't make any effort at all to see me when he knew that we were not only in the same city but the same building, and it's time to take the goddamn hint that he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. I'm going to miss him.
I'm also going to miss having a group of friends to do things with in Portland, but since the person who doesn't want me around anymore is at the center of that social group, I guess I'll have to give that up too.
I suppose it's time to stop trying to live with one foot still in Portland. I'll keep in touch with the people who I'm actually, individually, friends with, but I'm not going to pretend I'm part of a group up there anymore.
I'm lonely, but I've been lonely before and I lived through it then. Plus, now I'm not 13, and I have my own car. I'll just have to build a group down here. They'll probably only be year-friends, and I'll have to find a new group somewhere else again next year when I get a job, but I should at least be able to find people to go to the movies with. Maybe I'll take up a sport. I'd kind of like to play tennis again.
